Dr. Oshé VS. Snow Queen

My name is Doctor Oshé. My absolutely favorite thing in the world is movies.

Naturally, I've browsed around Netflix several times, spotting strange-looking movies left and right. Some of the crappiest-looking ones are in the Children & Family section, since children movies in general tend to be horrible.

Now animated movies are a different story. When done right, animated movies can be a great experience for children and adults alike. Animated movies are also very important to me, since I plan on studying animation in school. When I see a bad animated movie, I get a little angry.

That leads into my very first internet blog movie review: it's on the 2012 Russian animated film called Snow Queen.

Gaze upon its monstrosity.

The first thing that should be mentioned is that this movie is basically Russia's Frozen. It's based on the same old fairy tale as Frozen, and it manages to be a completely different movie than Frozen. I don't know what the original story is, and I'm too lazy to look it up, but I'm guessing that Snow Queen is a little closer to the original tale.

It does play off as a fairy tale. It follows a very basic linear plot, and random things happen in between the beginning and the middle without having anything to do with anything.

It starts off with a very slow chase scene between a carriage and mist. The titular Snow Queen is spreading winter around and is also trying to kill a wizard guy, who just looks like a normal guy. The narrator says something about mirrors being her weakness, the wizard and his wife die and their kids escape, and blah blah blah.

Soon after, we are introduced to Kai, an extremely boring-looking boy who buys paints from a old lady with huge boobs.

It felt like a long scene when i watched it, so I figured he was the main character. He isn't. It's actually this boring blond girl!

She's a girl who lives in an orphanage and talks to herself in very long sentences. Seriously, it's painful to listen to her dialogue, or anyone's dialogue for that matter!

The plot goes like this: the girl and boy meet, find out they're brother and sister, the Snow Queen captures Kai, the boy, and the girl whose name is Gerda needs to go to the Snow Queen's palace to rescue him. Along with her is a little white weasel, which is cute until it becomes blatantly obvious that we're supposed to laugh at it. It falls over all the time, and flies through the air, and is given random slow-motion shots for no reason other than we're supposed to think it's funny.

By this point, I was already bored. Then, the movie introduced me to a horribly deformed monstrosity that I'm supposed to think is a troll.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!

It looks more like an aardvark-dog hybrid that was stung by a bee on his lip. UUUggghhhhhhhHH. This creep tags along with Gerda and her stupid weasel on their journey to the Snow Queen's palace. Oh, by the way, he's actually working for the Snow Queen. The Snow Queen wants both Kai and Gerda dead because they are the children of the wizard she killed in the beginning of the movie, and they are supposedly endowed with magical powers.

Neither of the kids use their magical powers. Not once. Except Gerda does use it once to make some scary lady's flowers smell good.

AUGH!!

Anyway, the plot of this movie is very basic and bland. Gerda goes from point A to point B, meets a wierd character, get's transport to point C, meets a weird character, get's transport to point D, then she gets to the Snow Queen's castle.

She defeats the Snow Queen with a mirror and the Snow Queen turns into a little girl and the end, screw you for watching this movie.

I'm feeling a slight revulsion rising up in my throat, so I won't explain the movie's plot anymore. Instead I'll point out some good things about the movie. 

See, dat's a good villain design.

Some textures were rendered very well in this movie. There was good hair texture and good snow and ice effects. The Snow Queen was probably the most visually-interesting character design in the film; all the other characters were either boring and basic, or just horrifying.

I SAID STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!!

Those are the only good things I can say about Snow Queen. Here's a list of things that were wrong with it:

-The dialogue was stupid, though it might have been due to stuff being lost in translation from Russian to English. BUT THAT'S NO EXCUSE FOR CONVERSATIONS LIKE THIS:

Kai: Paintings bring joy and warmth to this cold world.

Mean guy who runs Orphanage: Stop, nonsense!

-The voice acting was awful. I looked up all of the voice actors for the English version of this movie, and all of them have done nothing but assorted video game voices and voices in cartoons for babies.

-Again, I cannot stress enough just how disgusting some of the character designs are.

DO IT DO IT DO IT PLEASE SHOOT HIM DO IT!!!

-The "plot points"in the film have nothing to do with the plot. The whole point of the story is to rescue the dumb blonde's brother from the Snow Queen. Along the way, she meets people who have no impact on her at all, and are not involved in the eventual defeat of the Snow Queen. If the whole middle of the movie was cut out, it would still make perfect sense. Also, the movie would be shorter.

-During these breaks from the plot, characters tell their whole back story, which has nothing to do with the Snow Queen or with Gerda rescuing her queer brother.

-The animation is weird and jerky, and doesn't look natural at all. This movie was made in 2012, with good rendering technology. Why couldn't they make the characters move like real people?

-The humor is awful. (Again, maybe it's lost in translation).

-There are fart jokes. I love me a good fart joke, but they never seem to be funny in movies. I don't know why.

-The action sequences were slow-paced and often confusing. Sometimes an action scene would mix some awkward slapstick comedy in the middle of an otherwise urgent and intense situation. When movies are unclear of what tone they want to set, it makes me angry.

-There is even a scene where a castle is on fire, and the family caught in the middle of it are not scared or panicked at all. There is no sense of urgency in their behavior, even though THERE IS FIRE AROUND THEM AND THERE IS DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

(Note: this scene also had nothing to do with the Snow Queen.)

All in all, Snow Queen is a boring, drawn out, and irritating experience. The well-rendered snow and ice and the cool dry-ice effect on the Snow Queen's dress couldn't make up for the long borefest I sat through. Terrible stupid characters, stupid dialogue, and a pointless plot points (plot points that are pointless) all combine to make me never want to watch this crappy movie ever again. Nor do it recommend it to anyone. If you see this on Netflix, just scroll past it. Don't even look at it. 

By the way, both posters for this movie are horribly inaccurate.

Do you see the pirate in the back of the sleigh? First of all, that's supposed to be a girl. Second of all, she is in the movie for five minutes. That's it. She gives Gerda a reindeer to ride, and you never see her again. 

The black rat-thing in the front is actually a different form the troll can take as a disguise. So, why is he also in the sleigh? He can't be in two places at once!

Also, the characters never ride in a flying sleigh.

There's the pirate girl again. SHE IS NOT IN THIS MOVIE, GUYS! SHE IS NOT IMPORTANT. WHY IS SHE ON THE COVER??!!??

While I'm glad I'll never need to watch Snow Queen again, as with all terrible movies, I'll have to remember it for the rest of my life. It just offended me so much that it was so ugly and boring. Dr. Oshé will be forever locked in combat with the Snow Queen, using flaming logs, since I don't got no mirrors lyin' around.

Pictured: Inside my brain.

Thanks for reading. If you have suggestions for improvement, or suggestions of movies to watch, leave a comment.

Coming Soon: Dr. Oshé Reviews Snow Queen

My first review is going to be on a crappy Russian animated movie based on the same story as Frozen, only with a different plot and a lot less charisma. An awful ugly film, this nearly made me want to stop watching. Stay tuned for a full review, here on The Weird and the Crappy.

SOON.